Second Chances

A little over a year ago when I wrote my original blog post entitled “Broken Vessel” I had no idea what my future held, but I had faith that God knew. I can describe my last year in stages:

·      Survival (November 21, 2015—Late January, 2016) – This stage is horrific in reflection, but I was in a safe place. As I was ushered from one hospital gown to another I was blessed with strength and good faith beyond my own, and a certain vagueness. Like going through the motions. My body was present, but my spirit was elsewhere.

·      Solutions (February—July) – Topimax, an anti-seizure drug, was introduced to my system. I am grateful I went on it, but it had a strange effect on my mind. I began forgetting very important things, like my own age. It was agony being paralyzed daily with hemiplegic migraines, and topimax helped, but I desired a healthy mind. Meanwhile, I was in the process of completely changing my diet because of MTHFR and my body’s inability to detox. (Infections and skin sores came as my body was trying to get rid of toxins.) I was slowly introducing good supplements, vitamins, and minerals into my body in hopes to rebuild a broken empire. During this time some INTENSE soul-searching was taking place. I was forced to let go of outcomes and learn to live hour-by-hour, forgiving and asking forgiveness as I went. I am so grateful for the countless prayers and people who served during that time. I began physical therapy and eventually felt like the drug was diminishing my progress; as it opened my constricted blood vessels, it also made physical exertion and conditioning incredibly difficult. (There were 80-year-olds with hip replacements that kicked my trash on the exercise bike!) After prayer and consulting with my doctors I began to get off the medication. For four months my body had relied so heavily on the drug that getting off it was agony…there are no words to describe that torture and suffering. After getting off my medication I began tracking my “triggers” and learned I need (present tense) to eat an extremely clean diet, sleep at least 8-10 hours a night, live on a schedule, take my supplements, and I can enjoy a medication-free and hemiplegic migraine-free life. Huge blessing.

·      Breaking Point – In December our baby boy was diagnosed with Torticollis Deformational Plagiocephaly (the same thing our daughter had experienced as an infant). I am grateful I had learned earlier that a positive outcome was possible. In March my husband had a basketball injury and underwent major knee surgery. It was a trifecta tear and incredibly painful for him. I began to get extreme anxiety after his accident because I felt I couldn’t function without his help. But it wasn’t until July, after our five-year-old broke his arm at a ward party, that I truly felt a breaking point. It was the "straw that broke the camels back". We had already paid around $10,000.00 in medical bills in six months and I honestly felt like my beloved Heavenly Father had closed the door and we were going to suffer through hard things the rest of our days. I was in this place for about a month. I was so angry at everything! I was mad my doctors for advising me not to have any more children. I was mad at everyone I loved for not understanding, and I felt stuck in my new reality. Broken-hearted, I mourned for my imagined future and almost felt the song in my soul shriveling like a raisin. Luckily, I never stopped praying, studying my scriptures, recording my daily blessings in my journal, attending church and the temple regularly, and playing music. These habits were engrained in me before my crisis and they rescued me in my trial of faith. I also talked with my Grandpa, who is a professional counselor and sealer in the Boise temple. In time I realized that I was the one who had closed the door. After a couple weeks I repented, forgave, and asked forgiveness (again!), and pressed forward with a firm hope.

·      Climbing – (August – October) With a broken heart and contrite spirit I began climbing. I felt God’s love and saw His children with new eyes. Perhaps I was more open to receiving. I was never really alone. I began homeschooling my Kindergartner during this time. It brought so much joy into our home! We got into a routine and schedule again, which felt good. We began learning together and every day became (and still is) an exciting adventure! Our family grew closer than ever. I am so grateful for the promptings to homeschool. In August, I performed a song with some dear friends in stake conference. The words penetrated: “Chasten my soul till I shall be, in perfect harmony with thee. Make me more worthy of thy love, and fit me for the life above.” My soul had been chastened and I was singing in harmony with the heavens again.

·      Healing and Living (Present) - Would you believe it if I told you I was healed like the woman in the Bible who had an issue of blood? Would you believe that it took 333 days for a promise in a priesthood blessing to be fulfilled? Would you believe me if I testified that Jesus Christ, of whom the New Testament speaks, lives? I believe it. He does live, and nearly dying showed me how to live. I will always have a friend in my Father in Heaven. My Savior, Jesus Christ, knows what I felt in my dark hours and I am eternally grateful. I have learned to forgive and ask forgiveness. I work on repenting and loving better. I focus on the people within the walls of my home, and my temple covenants. I take thoughtful care of the body I have been given; it is my offering, my way of showing that the struggles of 2016 are not wasted on me. There are still difficulties, and my physical body is very sensitive now, but I have a wonderful feeling…“The wonderful feeling that, after all he [she] has suffered, there is nothing he [she] need fear any more—except his [her] God.” - Viktor E. Frakl

My story is not over. In fact, I’ve been given a second chance, and I am so grateful. “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me: for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

Motherhood

This Mother’s Day means so much more to me than any previous year. It took me a few days to understand why I was anticipating this holiday like Christmas, and then I realized...in a very real sense, we are celebrating LIFE.

A few months ago, after the birth of my third child, my health was threatened. I prayed with all the energy of my heart for God to spare my life so that I could stay and be a Mother. I wanted to be the one to raise my children alongside my husband. To teach them right from wrong, to protect and nurture, and share in their joyous discoveries. My prayers were answered and words cannot adequately express my gratitude! I no longer take time with my children for granted.

My flesh is still very weak and recovering. But my spirit is STRONG and BRIGHT. And in my soul, there is so much LOVE for my children, my husband, my family, dear friends, and most of all for my Savior. He knows what it feels like to live inside my body on good days and bad. I am grateful for my body, my precious gift from Heavenly Father, and the many things it CAN do. The diapers I can change, the conversations I can have, the hugs I can give, and the beautiful music I can create in my home.

I feel as if God has smiled down upon me and given me a second chance. An opportunity to view life with new eyes. And it is simple and beautiful. If I could talk to myself one year ago on Mother’s Day I would give myself these pointers:

-       Take care of yourself.

-       Spend your time with what/whom you have been given stewardship over.

-       Simplify and forgive.

-       You are enough.

-       And for heaven’s sake, take a nap!

“Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels. May God bless us to honor each virtuous woman.” – Russel M. Nelson

“O mother, I give you my love with each flower

To give forth sweet fragrance a whole lifetime through;

For if I love blossoms and meadows and walking,

I learned how to love them, dear mother, from you.”

-Phyllis Luch

Broken Vessel

Since my beautiful baby boy was born in November of 2015, I have had a myriad of health problems. Including mini-strokes, hemiplegic migraines, and blood clotting and thyroid issues. If I told a friend or family member my diagnosis one week, it would change the next. I also felt that some could not handle the load I was carrying and I would lighten it for them in the moment. Those closest to me saw my suffering, and I am so grateful for my dear ones who let me be angry, sad, and frustrated while we were searching for answers.

Combinations of the spectrum of the medical field have helped improve my conditions. And a great amount of healing has taken place in an extremely short amount of time. Still I have felt unsatisfied. Too many unanswered questions…until Wednesday. Some lab tests done in December confirmed one doctor’s suspicions that I have certain critical genes that are mutated in my DNA. This condition is called MTHFR (methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase/mthfr.net). I have a compound heterozygous mutation, which is associated with decreased enzyme activity, increased homocysteine levels, and basically explains every health complication I’ve ever had in my life, including complications in pregnancy. So where do I go from here? Three words: life style change. I cannot change my genetic make-up, nor do I want to! But I can give the very best care to the body that I’ve been given.

I am forever changed because of this trial. I am already grateful for it. Grateful mostly to be alive! I believe in all good medicine, and I am grateful for all the people who study and educate their minds to help others.

“If we were to close the doors upon sorrow and distress, we might be excluding our greatest friends and benefactors. Suffering can make saints of people as they learn patience, long-suffering, and self-mastery.”  - President Howard W. Hunter

I am a long way from saint. Feeling this awful has brought back an old habit of swearing under my breath! But I do know that God loves me anyway. He does. He really does. He loves us despite our imperfections and our broken vessels. That is why He provided a Savior for us. The only One who completely understands our pain and suffering.

“I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. Always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.” – Elder Jeffery R. Holland

I know this to be true. As I’ve walked through my own valley, sometimes feeling alone in a valley of the shadow of death, I have come to know these angels. They have shown up at my door with flowers, spoken encouraging words, flown across states to take care of me, fed my family, and cleaned my house. I know many more unseen ones have guided me to inspired physicians, spoken peace to my heart, and kept me safe.

I believe in miracles. MY LIFE IS ONE. And I will not take it for granted ever again.

Tender Heart

I was participating in a funeral recently and the grandson offered an opening prayer. He said, "please bless those with tender hearts." I loved his thoughtful words, and felt the prayer calm my tender heart.

One of the most sacred hours I have experienced on this earth was the hour my beloved Grandma passed. I had learned the night before that she wasn't doing well and would probably leave this earthly existence soon. After I hung up the phone I sobbed loudly and angrily alone in my car. Eventually I went inside and wrote a letter of gratitude to her. While writing the letter I realized that she would be reunited with her mother, who had passed away when she was eight years old, and I felt a measure of peace, and happiness for her. The following morning I was scheduled to play "I Need Thee Every Hour" in church. My performance was a simple prayer and statement to the Lord that I needed Him every hour. After playing I felt like we needed to leave church right after sacrament meeting and go to my Grandma's home. Kind people filled in for my other duties with only minutes notice. 

We arrived at my Grandma's home and my three-year-old son said he wanted to come see Great-Grandma so we left my husband and the sleeping babe in the car, and knocked on the door with violin and letter in hand. My cousin, who was caring for Grandma, came to the door. She had made sure Grandma was comfortable then had gone and taken a nap. 

She showed me back to Grandma's room and as I entered I felt as if I had walked onto sacred ground. A Mormon Tabernacle Choir CD entitled "Heavensong: Music of Contemplation and Light" was playing. Ashely went to one bedside and I stood on the other. I held her hand and it was warm. Ashley tried to wake her, and when she couldn't she felt her pulse. Ashely said, "Oh my gosh, she's gone," and then went to call the nurse, family, and funeral services. My son said, "Great-Grandma is sleeping," and I took him out to my husband and asked him to take the kids to lunch. Then I went back inside, got out my violin, and played "I Need Thee Every Hour" followed by "God Be With You Till We Meet Again". Technically I was alone in the room now, but I felt a beautiful and vast audience there. In fact, I felt that it was the most important performance of my life. I felt as if I was serenading her into the next life, and it was most precious. I was then able to read her my letter and hold her still-warm hand, telling her how much she meant to me.

Then I turned back on "Heavensong" and sat with her as many people came in and out of the room. It was remarkable to see the family members that arrived, all at their own time, most without even knowing she had passed. I knew that God had orchestrated that hour, and everyone's path through her front door. I felt like I was in a celestial sphere and could not leave. Finally, when the mortuary came, my Aunt Marilyn and I played a violin and piano duet of "Amazing Grace" in the front room, the same song that would be played at her funeral days later, as she left her beloved home for the last time.

In the week following there was lots of family, tears, and one of the best funeral services I have ever attended. I felt angels, both earthly and heavenly, at that time. As the weeks past and the snow came I felt a sense of mourning I have never experienced. Each day she would come to my mind and there would be a stab of pain so intense I would gasp. Until that time, I did not understand the meaning of the word, "grieve." To grieve implies deep mental suffering often endured alone and in silence. It is an experience that time heals slowly. It is okay to have a tender heart. There will be people who will not understand and they are still good.

I write this today to bear my witness of life after death. Those who leave us on earth are not really gone. They are still with us, watching over us and caring for our needs in a different way. They may even love us more now than they did in their limited mortal body because they can see us clearly, and to love another is beautiful. There are more with us than against us.  

"Thus, we prepare all the days of our lives, and, as we grow, death loses its sting, hell loses its power, and we look forward to that day with anticipation and joy when [Christ] will come in His glory."
F. Enzio Busche



"I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them...We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors...who have preceded us into the spirit world. We cannot forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we cannot break...If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses,...how much more certain it is...to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond...can see us better than we know them...We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us;...their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves." Joseph F. Smith

Immitating Greatness

I have stood at the top of the Empire State Building, Space Needle, and Eiffel Tower. While these views are impressive, none have made as deep an impression on me as standing on the highest point of the Swiss Alps. Man can build pyramids, but God created Mount Everest. Man can build stadiums, while God created the Grand Canyon. In all my travels God's majestic creations have reigned supreme. And of all of these magnificent creations we are His greatest. You and I. His children. As you look into the mirror you are looking into the eyes of Heaven's crowning creation. Our potential for growth and progression is beyond our comprehension.

We are more than the pyramids, we are greater than the Grand Canyon, we are "MORE THAN ENOUGH.1" Yes, all of our vessels are a little broken, tattered and worn, but only temporarily. The Lord can heal our hearts and take us to higher ground if we only ask. "Yea, thou art merciful unto thy children when they cry unto thee, to be heard of thee and not of men, and thou wilt hear them.2"

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.3"



1. Dr. Robert Jones and Bryce Dunford, I Am More than Enough
2. Alma 33:8
3. Marrianne Williamson

Mulberry Street

Whether you live on Mulberry Street, Birch Avenue, or Holdrege Lane you will have discouragement at one time or another. No one is exempt.

I felt like a broken mother this month. Expecting our third child, I am tired and feel like the superpower of doing everything for everyone has left me.  My house is too messy and my meals are not adequate.  I’m sure my children aren’t learning enough or having enough adventures to stimulate their growing minds. These and other worries have bounced around in my head all hours of the day and night.

Then one day a very simple answer came like a great wave…”LOVE”!

Love will fill in the cracks right now. God loves my little family. The assurance that God loves His children can make darkness into light. I began recognizing the simple goodness that was happening around me. I love my husband and children. My children are happy and play together. They go on their own grand adventures without leaving our house. We sing, eat snacks, read books, and take naps. We love each other.

Everything I have learned this moth can be summed up in a simple math equation:

God’s Love + Good Imagination = Beautiful Life

God’s love filled my spirit and woke up my mind, and even though imagination is a noun, it became my action verb. With very limited amounts of energy, I made my children’s day from the couch. It is possible! Imagination by definition is the faculty or action of forming new ideas, images, or concepts of external objects not present to the senses. It is the ability of the mind to be creative or resourceful.

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 1 Timothy 1:7

A sound mind does not fear; it is clear and resourceful. Heavenly Father is not a God of discouragement, but of encouragement. The hymn doesn’t read, “There is beauty all around ONLY WHEN the dishes are done.” I live in beautiful space. Within my home imagination soars and we treat each other with kindness. There is beauty in my home.

“There is beauty all around

When there’s love at home;

There is joy in ev’ry sound

When there’s love at home.

Peace and plenty here abide,

Smiling sweet on ev’ry side.

Time doth softly sweetly glide

When there’s love at home.

Kindly heaven smiles above

When there’s love at home;

All the world is filled with love

When there’s love at home.

Sweeter sings the brooklet by;

Brighter beams the azure sky.

Oh, there’s One who smiles on high

When there’s love at home.”

-John Hugh McNaughton

The Earring

 I was a frantic senior in college, living on smiles and frozen burritos. A dear friend, Alisa, had recently returned from China and brought back some souvenirs. She gave me a pair of earrings that I immediately liked and wore often. One morning, shortly after she had given them to me, I lost one. I was very disappointed, and said a small prayer. I didn’t kneel, or even close my eyes, but in my mind I said, “Father in Heaven, please help me find that earring.” I searched the music building, but to no avail. I then went about my day, working hard, trying to use my time wisely and efficiently, and keeping my eyes open for a little dangly earring. At the end of the day I returned home, probably around 7:30 pm, and realized my cupboards were bare. I made a quick trip to the grocery store. As I was walking toward the produce aisle, a fellow music major, El, stopped me, “Is this your earring?” she asked. In her hand was the earring from Alisa’s China trip. “How did you find that?” I asked earnestly. The story that followed was shocking; my earring had passed through four different hands that day to find it’s way to me at 8:00 that night.    


This is a simple tale, but through it I learned great lessons. I felt God’s love. I realized a Great Being in the heavens cared about a simple girl from Idaho. My faith increased and my heart filled with gratitude. I have since offered up many prayers that are only in my thoughts, but directed to God, and I truly feel that He listens. 

I have thought of the experience and wondered, “Why wasn’t I the one who found the earring? I’m sure I could have been led to it while I was searching.” But that is not what I was supposed to learn. It is often through another that the Lord answers our prayers. And some things are completely out of our control. We have to let them go, move on, and trust that life isn’t against us. All things are working together for our good. We have seen and unseen angels caring for our needs and desires and a loving Father in Heaven who wants us to be happy.   


“… and men are, that they might have joy.” 2 Nephi 2:25


“For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. 

 
We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; For our light afflictions, which but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4